The Last Straw

"Just know you created it and I don't deny it. But I know your not healthy for me and its probably vice verse. But you always told me to live in the moment with you, so that's what I'm doing. But I know we should end this because I can't lose you as a friend. And I don't want to ever hurt you. Your more deeper then me on this and I can't catch you. I respect you too much as a person to b hurting ur feelings. I know they are real and so are mine. I wish I knew what to do with you but I don't. I knew I hurt your feelings on Tues and it hurt me. But I care enough bout u to say that i love u. Believe my words never my actions bc i can never make them add up."

These were the words you wrote to me. The words that cut through my heart like a knife. The words that needed to be said and I am grateful that you said them. Truths can hurt and this one definitely did. I love you! I might be in love with you! But the simple fact of the matter is your right, Your not healthy for me. You tell me to believe your words and not your actions but you tell me this after you say that you are manipulative. I basically cant trust anything you say or do. And that is a sad but true fact. So I will do what both of us are waiting for someone to do. I will not contact you. I will let sleeping dogs lie. If you contact me I will be cordial and respond b/c that is the type of person I am. But no, I will not come see you, I will not hang out with you. And what hurts me the most as I write this is the fact that we will probably not remain friends b/c I won't to be more then that and it is hard to be around someone who you love and just be friends.

"I'll be thinking about you! I'll be missing you! I'll want to be with you!"

But then I will come back to reality and eventually and against every bone in my body. I will forget you.

Selfish

My feelings were extremely hurt today! You called me selfish. Selfish? Selfish? How is protecting my own heart selfish? How is not letting you toy with my emotions selfish? How is caring about your well being selfish? Yes I have to do it from a distance and that can be considered selfish but I have to do what is best for my well being as well. I have real feelings for you. Real emotions that i know you can not handle at this time in your life. So in order to keep my sanity and to not hate you for the way I feel I have to distance myself from you. I will not apologize for putting my needs ahead of yours since you obviously don't care about them. If that makes me selfish then so be it. But don't act like you don't know that your needs are just as important to me as mine. But until you can recognize this then I guess I will remain selfish in your eyes.

Cat and Mouse

Whose Ahead?

While I am one for a good game of chase you are really starting to take the fun out of this. I want you, you don't want me. You want me, I don't want you. I don't want this to be an endless game of Cat and Mouse.

Why is it when someone no longer shows interest in you, you all of a sudden show interest in them. We are not in the third grade anymore. I told you how I felt and you told me you weren't in the right place in your life. You had to work on you. I respected that. I want you to become the best person you can. I want to be around when that happens so that maybe one day we might be together. But you can not expect me to sit around and wait for you to become who you want to be. I wanted to be more than your friend but that's all you were offering and that is what I took. Why is it that I have to be satisfied with the stipulations that you set forth and don't follow.

You know that I still have feelings for you and you are taking advantage of those feelings. While I am putting up with it now I must warn you, I won't put up with it much longer. I don't like to feel out of control. You like to be in control. We both want things are way. We need to bring this ticking time bomb to an end before it explodes in our faces and the friendship we have now crumbles to pieces. Whose in the lead now doesn't really matter.

I feel we will both be losers at the end of this race.

"Why do you have to like me?"

"Why do you have to be deeply infatuated with me?" I heard this question last night and the first thing I thought was damn. You just insulted me and complemented me in the same sentence. Actually, i don't even think it was a complement. Why cant people just come out and say that I am flattered by your feelings for me unfortunately i do not share them? How hard is that? I understand that some people might not be able to handle such blunt honesty but you of all people should know that I am not one of those people. I don't honestly know how I feel about the situation. What I do know is that I am happy that its out in the open and that I can move on. She's not into me. I can accept that. I do want us to stay cool though. I don't believe that changes my sexual status. I still think that I am interested in dating women. I cant explain why and I'm not going to try because its pointless. I think I am coming along great in life right now.

It is time for a change. I am opening my mind to a new realm. I have come to the realization that I like myself for who I am. I understand that I am overweight and a Little chunky. I can honestly say right now that I don't care. I am happy with who I am. If you cant appreciate me for me then you can "Kick Rocks".

So back to the question at hand. "Why do you have to Like me?" Well let me tell you why! I like you because you make me feel good about myself. I like you because I think of you constantly and want to make sure you are OK and safe. I like you because I can talk to you about anything and not have to worry about you judging me. I like you because you appreciate me for who I am and who I can be. I will continue to like you as long as my feelings will allow me too. I don't like you because its convenient or because of some phase I am going through. I will keep my distance and play it cool and what will happen, will happen. But I will keep liking you since its not your choice!!!!

Not the Day

I am not having a great day today. I want to be able to go and confide in someone about my feelings. I want someone to hug me and tell me that it is going to be OK. I hate when I get into the funks/spells and can't get out of them. I have never felt the need to run to one person for a very long time but I want to call/text her and tell her how i am feeling. I want her to tell me it will be OK and that she will be there for whatever I need. I want her to invite me over so she can show me the TLC that I long for. Why this person? Why at this time? When will i get the nerve to tell her how I truly feel? I want to do it now but I know this is not the right time. I honestly don't feel she will be interested but I miss the conversations we used to have together. I miss confiding in one another. I don't think this is a phase anymore. I want to actively pursue this with her. No one else. I am waiting for my Calm After the Storm. (1:50pm)

HEADACHE

I am tired of this constant headache. You are causing this. I hate the fact that I am allowing you to have this much control over my emotions. Infatuation, obsession, craziness. I don't know what it is but it needs to be released. I hate to be out of control. I don't want to tell you b/c the control will decrease even more. I want to in control of this situation. I want you to know how I truly feel. I want you to want to feel the same way about me. I want for you to feel out of control. I want you to miss me, want me, need me. I know that sounds unhealthy, but I mean it in the healthiest way possible. I have a headache. I want you to know this. God I have a horrible headache. I need to know and want to know what this is. What are these feelings supposed to mean. When will they pass if they pass at all. Someone today told me that maybe I am just lonely. And I am lonely, but the fact of the matter is I want you to be the one who feels my loneliness. I really want to explore your world through your eyes. I want you to want me the way I want you. I have seven days left of this HEADACHE!!!!!!

To Crush or Be Crushed

Crush can be defined in many ways. To press b/t opposing bodies so as to break or injure. To put down; subdue. To overwhelm or oppress severely. To hug, especially with great force. A usually temporary infatuation. One who is the object of such an infatuation. All of these definitions have one major component in common. The outcome of all is usually a negative one. When you say or think you are crushing on someone in the relational sense you usually don't think about the real definition of the word crush.

After months of trying to deny my crush I have come to the realization that the definition I had in mind is and was obviously not the happy one. I have been crushed. My feelings have been subdued. You, the object of my infatuation have taken my feelings and broken them. I opened myself up to your judgement and you gave me the harshest penalty. I have crushed on you and in the process i was crushed. The hardest thing to admit is that no matter how many times I allow you to crush me I will come back for more until I am pure dust.